The X and Zero Talk Show
by hippieinpink
Summary: X and Zero host their own talk show...


Announcer- It's time for the X and Zero Show. Staring your host, X...

**A picture of X pops up on the screen.**

Announcer-...and Zero.

**A picture of Zero comes up on the screen.**

Announcer- Here they are...X and ZERO!

Audience- _**Cheers wildly**_

X and Zero- _**Runs on and crashes into one another**_ Owww!

X- Good day everyone. I'm X!

Zero- And I'm Zero.

X- Today, we have a special program for you.

Zero- As always.

X- Question, Zero, why do we finish each other's sentences.

Zero- _**Shrugs**_

X- Anyway, our first guest is a couple.

Zero- Named Christina and Peter.

X- Give it up for them!

Audience- _**Claps**_

Christina and Peter- _**Walks in pushing each other**_

X- Welcome to our show!

Zero- What seems to be your problem here?

Christina- I'm getting a divorce!

Audience- _**Gasps**_

Peter- Christina!

X- O...kay...

Christina- Peter is now having affairs...with the same gender!

Audience- _**Gasps**_

Zero- _**Whispers to X**_ Please let 'Brokeback Mountain' only be a movie!

X- _**Nods in agreement**_

Peter- I WAS DRUNK!

Zero- Let's hear your side of the story Peter and we can try to settle things out between you and your wife.

Christina- You mean soon to be ex-wife!

Zero- Whatever! Just talk Peter.

Peter- I was at a night club and I was drinking so much, I realized at the moment I was completly wasted. Then I see a beautiful woman walk up to me and I take her home later in the night. That morning, I wake up, finding myself in bed...WITH A MAN! Christina caught us.

Audience-...EWWWWW!/Oh, God!

X- Oh my God!

Zero- I really didn't need to hear that.

Christina- OH, NOW YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE BI?

Peter- Did you hear my _beep_ing story Christina!

Christina- I don't care! You can go eat shit, Peter!

Audience- _**Gasps**_

X- _**makes a shocked face like a girl**_

Peter- You wanna take this outside.

Christina- It'll be my pleasure!

Peter and Christina- _**gets up and walks away**_

Audience- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Zero- _**To audience**_ WRONG SHOW PEOPLE! _**Turns to X who is still making that face**_ Dude, that so beeping ghey.

X- Sorry. _**Stops making the face**_ Anyway, wasn't that interesting.

Zero- _**Sarcasm in his voice**_ Yeah...very interesting.

X- Anyway, our next guest is...

Zero- The lovely Trisha aka our good friend Douglas's high school crush.

X- Please give it up for Trisha!

Audience- _**Claps**_

Trisha- _**Walks out**_

X and Zero- Hello, Trisha!

Trisha- Hey, guys.

X- You look beautiful today.

Trisha- You're too sweet, X.

X- Thanks. So I hear your claim to fame was you were Douglas's high school crush.

Trisha- Yes I was.

Zero- and did you hear Douglas died a horrible death?

Trisha- It's difficult for me to think about.

X- Why?

Trisha- Douglas and I were part of two different cliques. He was in the nerdy clique and I was in the popular clique. He's tell me a joke or something and I pretended not to care. But deep down, I thought his humor was funny. He was sweet, smart, cute and..._**Cries**_ I wish I could be his girlfriend but it's too late!

Audience- Awwww.

X and Zero- _**Fights back tears**_

X- That's really tear jerking, Trisha.

Zero- I know what its like to be in love.

Douglas- _**Pops out from under the desk**_ Wow, Trisha! You felt that way about me since high school? Wow! I'm flattered.

Trisha-...I CAN'T BELIEVE I CRUSHED ON YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL! GOD, YOU LOSER! _**Storms off st**_age UGH! DAMN IT!

X and Zero- _**Watches Trisha walk away then turns to Douglas**_

X- _**Gives Douglas an unfriendly look**_ You faked your death to get her to notice you exist?

Douglas- It was the only thing I had in mind.

X and Zero- _**Exchanges glances**_

Zero- You're a loser.

Douglas-...I'm sorry.

Zero- Rolls his eyes

X- Now please go, because we're doing a show and...

Douglas- I'm on TV? _**Turns to the camera**_ HI MOM! _**Poses like a model**_ I'm a super star!

X and Zero-...GENERAL!

General- _**Picks up Douglas and walks away**_

Douglas- HELP! PUT ME DOWN! I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! MOMMY!

Zero- What a loser.

X- He's so annoying.

X and Zero- Ugh!

X- Anytime, it comes that time again!

Zero- We answer your questions! ALIA!

Audience- _**Claps as Alia walks out with the basket**_

Alia- _**Walks out with a basket full of questions**_

Zero- How's the count?

Alia- Well it's good for you today, Zero. You got a lot more questions than X.

Zero- Oooh..._**Throws little pieces of paper around **_well lucky me.

X- _**Rolls his eyes**_ Show off.

Zero- Oh, X, _**Puts his arm around him**_ don't be jealous that I'm _much_ stronger, _incredibly_ handsome and have actually gotten through puberty before you!

X- How can we go through puberty? We're robots!

Zero- Now we can. _**Turns to Alia**_ You can leave now.

Alia- Sure. _**Taps X on the shoulder and gives him the "call me" hand gesture**_

X- _**Points to Alia and winks, mouthing the words 'Oh yeah'**_

X and Alia- _**Looks at each other flirtatiously**_

Zero- _**Turns to X and Alia**_ X, what's going on between you two?

X- That's something that both me and Alia should know.

Zero- _**Rolls eyes**_ Yeah... _**Takes out a piece of paper**_ Our first question is from some girl named Tina. She asks me, 'Zero, do you have another color armor besides red?' Yes. I do. I have one that's black.

X- And one that's pink with hearts.

Audience- _**Laughs**_

Zero- _**Sarcastically**_ You make me laugh. Ha, ha, ha! _**Takes out another piece of paper**_ Our next questions comes from a boy named Tony. He asks, 'Zero, what other skills do you have besides your AWESOME saber skills?' Well, I'm really good at hooking up my friends with _the_ ladies so if you need help with love, I'm here.

X- Yeah, he also knows all the words to that song, _Man! I Feel Like a Woman_.' Not only that, he cried to romance movies!

Audience- _**Laughs**_

Zero- Will you shut the _beep _up you blue piece of shit!!!!

X- _**In his face**_ Why don't you eat my shorts, Zero!

Zero- Excuse me?

X- Yes...eat-my-shorts. I dare you to.

Audience- Ooooh!/No he didn't!

Zero- _**Takes another piece of paper while glaring at X**_ Hmmm...I think this one belongs to you, X.

X- _**Takes the paper**_ My question comes from a guy named Orez. He asks, 'X, are you a virgin?' Okay...I don't talk about my personal life on live TV so I'm sorry but I can't answer your question...

Zero- So you are.

X- Excuse me?

Zero- I mean if you are asked an embarrassing question and you say you don't want to talk about it, it's a yes! _**Laughs uncontrollably**_ Oh God, X! You're a virgin!

Audience- _**Laughs**_

X- _**Rolls his eyes and looks at the paper**_ Zero, you're a jerk! Orez is your name spelled backwards! Why? How could you do that?

Zero- _**Laughing **_I don't know. I had nothing better to do! _**Sighs**_ Oh, boy! Revenge is SWEET like a cupcake!

Audience- _**Laughs**_

X- _**Under his breath**_ Shit head. _**Takes out another paper**_ And the next question is to me again! Ha! _**To Zero**_ IN YOUR FACE!

Zero- Whatever, X...

X- It asks, 'X, you are sooo hot. _**To Zero**_ Oooh, a girl has the hots for me. _**Reads**_ I love the way you fight. It's so sexual and turns me on to the process! Please spend a night with me at my hotel room tonight. I'll be waiting for you, darling. Thanks, babe. Love...Dynamo?' _**Makes a disgusted face**_

Zero- _**Holding laughter**_

X- _**Looks at Zero as if he had done it**_

Zero- I swear this time it wasn't me…_**Lets out his laughter**_

Audience- _**Laughs hysterically**_

Zero- _**Laughs while not realzing he's craking his voice**_

X- _**Looks at the audience and sees Dynamo**_

Dynamo- _**Blows a kiss at X**_ Hi, darling…

Zero- _**Laughing while his voice is cracked**_ DYNAMO HAS A MAN CRUSH ON YOU! _**Laughing**_

X- _**Disgusted**_ OH MY GOD...GENERAL!

General- Yes, X?

X- Take Dynamo out of here?

General- _**Takes Dynamo out of the audience**_

Dynamo- _**Sings '**__**My Heart Will Go On'**__** to X**_

X- _**Blesses himself panting then screams 'EWWWW!'**_

Zero- Wow! _**Kicks his feet up and streches **_That made my day, X! First asking if you're a virgin, which turned out to be true, and then Dynamo…today couldn't get any better!

X- Zero, enough! _**To audience**_ Okay, folks...um...let's try to erase that from our memories and...

Iris- _**Comes out with a pizza box**_ Who ordered a pizza?

X- _**Sees who it is **_Aw, crap...

Zero- Iris?

Iris- Zero? _**Turns and sees Zero**_

Zero- BABY! _**Gets up and runs to her**_

Iris- SWEETIE! _**Drops the pizza box and runs to Zero**_

Zero-_** Picks her up**_

Iris- _**Kisses him passionately**_

Audience- WHOOOOO! _**Applauding**_

Zero- _**Puts her down but is still hugging her **_Looks like we've caused a scene here...how are you?

Iris- I'm working.

Zero- You have time?

Iris- I have all the time in the world. _**Moves closer to him **_Now lets do what we do best...

Zero and Iris- _**Makes out on the desk**_

X- _**Getting sick **_Oh my God!_** Grabs a chalk board and covers the make out fest**_ Um...we don't have to see that.

Random guy from the audience- HOT SEX! WHOO!

X- Um…okay! Since Zero's being such a dick today…

Zero- AT LEAST I HAVE ONE, VIRGIN! _**Continues doing "this thing" with Iris**_ Oh, baby…

X- _**Murmuring **_Nice to know…_**Rolls eyes**_ I have a surprise for all of you...ZERO'S JOURNAL! _**Turns to a random page**_ This one is a favorite of mine _**Clears throat and starts reading**_ Yesterday was the best. I was with Iris all day. A morning of pancakes and eggs and then a walk in the park. Then in the afternoon, we grabbed some lunch and then saw a movie. Then at night, we walked along the coast and then came across an arcade; winning a game Karaoke Revolution in the process. _**Turns to audience**_ That's a great game, by the way. _**Keeps reading**_ Then we enter this really good French restaurant and then sit on the beach to watch the sunset. She rested against my chest and in my arms while I stroked her hair. When the sun went down, I felt as if a bit of the sun was only staying out for us. She looked up and me and said, 'You equal Zero…the best guy a girl could ever hope and pray for.' And I respond by saying, 'You equal Iris…the best girl that has ever happened to a man like me.' Then she says, 'You make my heart beat faster and faster and make as if no one else really matters to this world but you and me.' And I respond, 'Your love is what makes me stronger and your kisses make me want more and more as I kiss them.' Right there I kissed her lips...

Audience- Awwwww…..

X- _**Raises his eyebrows and nodding**_ Mmmm… _**Looks up at audience**_ _Getting_ juicy...Here's the best part! _**Winks and keeps reading**_ After our little romantic moment...comes the best night of my life. And must I tell ya…it was OFF THE HOOK! It was dark and mosquitoes were biting us. We go to her room where it was only us two in the house at that point. After a few drinks and a bit of sweet talk, she jumps on me, forcing us to fall backwards on her bed, kisses me and…WHOA BABY...WAS I GETTING IT ON THAT NIGHT?!

Zero- _**Runs to X**_ DON'T READ THAT! _**Takes the book**_ DAMN IT! WHAT THE _BEEP_ IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!

Guys from Audience- OH C'MON ZERO!/IT WAS GETTING BETTER!

Zero- I can't believe you! You little back stabbing mother _beep_!

X- Then stop acting like a mother _beep_ yourself, Zero! _**Walks over to Iris and takes her off the desk**_ Iris, first off…PLEASE…fix your clothes! We have a show to do and please get off the set before we get the General!

Iris- _**Fixing her dress and hair**_ I'm hiding out. The costumers at my pizza place are perverts. They keep grabbing me.

Zero- WHAT?

Iris- True…

Zero-...I'll be back. _**Leaves the set**_

X- Um...okay. We'll got into a commercial break and we'll be right back... _**To Iris**_ You play poker? _**Pulls out cards**_

Iris- I'm a champ.

**

* * *

****Five minuets later...**

Announcer- And we're back!

Audience- _**Claps**_

X- Welcome back, everyone...looks like Zero...

**Zero comes in looking like he was in a battle**

Zero- Sorry I'm late.

X- Perfect timing actually.

Iris- _**Puts her arms around Zero's neck**_ What happened?

Zero- _**Puts his hands on her waist**_ I took care of those scum bags for you.

Iris- Thanks. _**Kisses him**_

X- _**Rolls his eyes**_

Colonel- Iris, if I were you I wouldn't be complaining. It doesn't make sense to let your boyfriend do all of these things to you and then you come home crying, 'Oooh! Some guy at work was staring at me and said something gross! Oooh, poor little me!'

Iris- Colonel!

X- Where did you come from?

Colonel- What? It's true!

Iris- That's horrible! How dare you talk like that of me!

Colonel- What's horrible is that my sister has the reputation of a whore.

Audience-_** Gasps**_

X- Ouch...

Colonel- _**To Zero**_ And you...How dare you touch my sister!

Zero- How dare you call your own sister a whore!

Audience- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

X- _**Under his breath**_ Damn it! WRONG SHOW, PEOPLE!

Davey (Iris's friend at the pizza place)- _**Panicking**_ Iris! IRIS!!!

Iris- Davey!

Davey- _**Still panicking**_ Our boss is dead!

Audience- _**Gasps**_

Iris- _**Shocked**_ But…why?! What happened?!

Davey- _**Still panicking**_ I was coming back from a delivery and then I find them on the floor dead. Blood everywhere. It's horrible. _**Sees Zero and stops panicking**_ Is that your boyfriend?

Iris- Yes.

Davey- _**Runs away in fear**_

X and Iris- _**Turns to Zero**_

X- Have anything to say Zero?

Zero- Um...uh...

Iris- You killed my boss?

Colonel- That's not good. How else will you make money?

Iris- _**Turns to Colonel**_ I only make $6.00 an hour. _**Turns to Zero and smacks him**_

X and Colonel- _**makes a shocked face like a girl**_

Audience- _**Gasps**_

Zero- Iris...

Iris- Don't Iris me, you piece of shit!

Audience- _**Gasps**_

Colonel- Iris, watch your mouth.

Iris- My boss had to descents, Italian and British! Not only was he the best Italian pizza maker but...he was also...THE KING OF ENGLAND! AND HE'S DEAD!

British people from the audience- WHAT?

Sigma- WHAT?

X- Sigma, get out of here.

Sigma- My family had British heritage in it!

X- _**Shrugs**_...Okay. Kick his ass.

Zero- Some friend you are, X!

X- some friend you are by being such a jerk to me on live TV and calling me a piece of shit and humiliating me and saying my face expression was gay!

Zero- It is! _**Turn to Iris**_ Baby, I'm sorry.

Iris- Have a nice day, Zero. _**Walks over to X and her brother and puts her arms around both of them**_

Sigma and British people- _**Walks over to Zero like the girl from, 'The Ring'**_

Zero-...AWWW SHIT! _**Runs in terror**_

Sigma- GET HIM!

Sigma and British people- _**Chases Zero**_

X- Well...that's it for today! I'm X and...he's Zero. _**Turns to Iris**_ We end our show with karaoke. Will you do the honors?

Iris- _**Turns to her brother**_ Can I?

Colonel- Sure. Why not?

X- What song do you want to sing?

Iris- _**Turns to Zero who is being chased by a mob of people and Sigma**_ Zero and I sang this song in Karaoke Revolution. Wanna sing _Paradise By the Dashboard Light_ (author: great song btw!!!!!)?

X- Okay! Love that one! _**Turns to audience**_ That's it for today everyone! SEE YA!

X and Iris- _**Sings, **__**Paradise By the Dashboard Light**_

THE END

I hope you all liked it. And please review! Thanks!


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